A Newcomer's Guide to 

the Country

Surviving Transplant. By Lee Pitts

It seems like more and more people are moving to the country and immediately trying to transform it into the big city they couldnât wait to escape. I should warn these modern-day pioneers, there are big differences between ãhereä and ãthere.ä Here are a few tips to make the move easier for the invading hordes.

     Don't ever try to pet the nice doggy in the back of the pickup truck; donât feed the deer or complain about any rain that might fall from the sky. Do not write letters to the editor of the weekly newspaper saying what a ãhick townä your new home is. While it may be all right for us to call it that, a newcomer never should. (A newcomer is considered anyone who was not born here.) In these parts the words, ãItâs good cow country,ä are considered highly complimentary.

     If a 4-H'er outside the Post Office asks if you want to buy a raffle ticket youâd better do so. Word travels fast in these parts and there are no secrets. Within two weeks weâll all know what kind of liquor you drink and how much you smoke from the clerk at the store. This information is not considered rumor or gossip.

     There is an entirely different pecking order in the country where mountain lion trappers are more highly valued than lawyers. And thereâs a greater need for them too. Donât make jokes about bankers either, because the local one is probably a respected member of the community. If someone does something nice for you, like pull you out of a ditch or bring your lost dog back home, do not offer them money. Itâs an insult. Baking them a nice pie, however, is acceptable. But only if you can cook.

     A few words about driving in our neck of the woods: If the driver of an oncoming vehicle waves two fingers at you above the steering wheel heâs not flashing you the peace symbol. The driver is just being friendly. Granted, this may be an entirely new experience for you, but learn to expect it. For example, when you stop at a four-way stop and another driver waves you through even though you technically were not there first, it is perfectly all right to accept this kindness. Although you should acknowledge the courtesy in some manner, like flashing the peace sign. Youâll also make the appalling discovery that out here in the hinterlands people actually observe red lights and road warnings most of the time. Thatâs because the caution signs may indicate an oncoming coal train or a huge combine on the road ahead.

     Leave your consumptive snobbery back in the city. We donât care about the year and model of the car you drive. Besides, our dirty, dusty roads play heck with black foreign cars, ladies lathered in greasy makeup and guys who plaster their hair with gel or mousse. The only moose out here are the ones that may run out in front of your car at night when you are least expecting it.

     When dining out donât ask for anything on the half shell or order an arugula salad with brie dressing. Weâll all be embarrassed for you if you eat your chicken with a knife and fork, or your chicken fried steak with your fingers. We do not consider asking for a wine steward a sign of sophistication, especially if youâre at the Dairy Queen. We donât have a sushi bar but the grocery store does sell bait, along with calf replacer, horseshoe nails and mineral blocks.

     We speak a different dialect too. In our world the FFA has nothing to do with Federal Aviation or the NRA with nurses. And there are a few things you should NEVER say or weâll know youâre not a native species. Donât ask for the recipe for a cow pie or where you can buy a sweater for your Dachshund. Never ask, ãWhatâs that smell?ä Or, ãDo you have a local Sierra Club Chapter?ä Never, ever, refer to coyotes as ãcute.ä

     If you want to survive your move to the country, never say no to a potluck or yes if a neighbor offers zucchini from their garden. Other than that, youâre on your own. Good luck...you are going to need it. 

  BIO

Excerpted from Lee Pitts' book of warm-hearted humor, "Essays from God's Country," available from RANGE. See page 9 to order. Lee Pitts is an author, humorist and editor of ãLivestock Market Digest.ä He lives in Los Ojos, Calif.